It’s 22h30 and I’m still up. This week has just begun but I’m already tired. I’ve spent my work week testing various ways of importing csv files into a SQL database using SSIS. The columns of these files will vary constantly so I will need to supply the packages with sound logic so that they won’t fail or return bad data. The weird thing is that I’m not sure why I’m really this tired.
You sounded peeved when I dodged your probes into my relationship history. I told you that I don’t care about who you dated in the past because they made you be a better person and perfect for for me. But still…
When we last saw each other I stood back to let you grieve. It was torture to see you that sad and not be able to do much about it. The way you said good-bye sounded so final that it scared me. I told your brother about it and he assured me that you would be fine.
Hearing your voice after days of silence was like breathing for the first time. I kept yapping about my crummy week and almost forgot about yours. And I didn’t find it surprising when you told me that you’re moving back and resuming your old job. Your dad was happy to have you beside him all that time.
You asked me about long distance relationships. We’ve been able to make it work in the past and this time around shouldn’t be any different. Long Skype sessions, movie nights and the occasional flight between the two cities is still possible. 😉 But more importantly, you’re a habit I can’t quit and I don’t want to quit. I know it’s what you told me but that’s exactly how I feel about you too.
The first time I realised how I felt about you, about us, I started to look for you. I knew you weren’t there but I had this need to see you. I wanted to tell you. For some reason I started calling out your name. I’m pretty sure that the people in that shopping mall thought I was crazy. I’m not crazy in the way that they thought I was. I’m just crazy about you.
“There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me you could not come true
Just love’s illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again”—I Choose You by SARA BAREILLES
I spent two days first feeling angry at myself for trusting someone with my heart again and then sad that I possibly lost you.
I would have waited for you forever but the few times I called you I either had to leave a message or your phone was switched off, so I left. Your friends kept telling me that they either don’t know or cannot talk about it. You called me but you sounded distant and you never even mentioned why you stood me up and I never asked.
Then I saw your brother who’s supposed to be in another country right now. He explained it all and I felt like such a jerk for being so cold to you when we last chatted.
But I feel even worse for not being able to make things better. To not be able to make you feel better.
I walked away when you asked me that I should convince you that I really care about you. With all that’s been said and done I’ve proved that so many times. Actions and words.
But I sat down and thought about what you asked me. You want me to say it, don’t you?
For the longest time I thought I was broken. So badly that I can’t feel anything. So I went through the motions. Did and said what’s expected of me. Never unfaithful but never faithful. Just being there.
Even after meeting you nothing really changed. I said I needed you but that was a lie. Just something I knew you wanted to hear.
I’m broken or so I thought. So I left you.
You know me. I have no fear of loneliness and no trouble focussing. Why then was I never able to forget? Why could I not focus? I kept checking my phone at 10. I still do. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I realised I’m not broken. Just bruised. Just always kept my distance and dodged anything thrown at me.
I’ll tell you what you want to hear and mean it. I will say it and you will believe me because it is true.
When I first bought my car one of the things I immediately realised was that at some point I will be standing stranded somewhere on the side of some stretch of road with little to no traffic. I knew this because my car was sold with a tyre repair kit rather than a spare tyre. Thus far I’ve been able to get away without one but my luck ran out on Saturday morning.